Mawage

Marriage (mawage) is fun isn't it?  You have someone to agree with you on everything and tackle every issue with harmony and love, You parent every child together in complete synchronization. You always know what the other is thinking and meet each others need willingly.  You consistently agree on spending, saving and the plans for the future.  You are spiritually in tune with each other and lead and guide the family with one accord.  There is romance consistently and each day is a new day to fall in love all over again.

Now, at some point in this description of marriage, I hope you inserted your mental sarcasm font.
Yes, marriage can and should be all of those things, but unless you are already perfected, it won't be any of those things all of the time.

The Family a Proclamation to the World says "Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth with the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."

I only have the experience of my own 26 year marriage and those of my family and friends, to base my observations on, but marriage is hard,   It's no wonder that this is the only way we can be perfected and live an eternal life.  How else are you going to learn all your weaknesses than to live with someone who brings them out on a daily basis? There is no better way to know who you truly are than to share a bed, bathroom, bank account with the same person for eternity. Then throw kids into the mix and your flaws are not only glaring, but they have replicated into tiny little humans.

My hubby and I often look and each other and wonder how we are making it all work. In 26 years we have moved 10 times, had 6 children, 8 years of school, and 22 jobs.  Marriage is defiantly not for the faint of heart.  And the years don't make it necessarily easier, but more comfortable.  And the definition of love can change.

 Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, recently said regarding marriage, "There is no way that you could know while you're dating, and there's no way that you can know in that first year of marriage. There's no way you can know in the first decade of marriage to know how you're gonna feel--the way we feel after a half century of marriage. Love is what you go through together."

 This quote gives me all the feels! It is spot on how I feel about love.  The good times, hard times, frustrating, soul crushing moments of life are what creates commitment and an enduring bond. "Hey honey remember when we managed low income apartments in a war zone? Hey remember how we went through medical school with 4 kids?  Remember that time we had to declare bankruptcy and foreclosed on our home? Remember, how I started having anxiety attacks and thought I would die?" Yep. Good times.  To be perfectly cliche, it did not kills us and it made us stronger.  Marriage is built on the experiences that we go through together and survive together.

I have contemplated some of the things that have kept my marriage ticking when it has taken a beating. Here is my non-conventional list:

1.  Inside jokes.  One word, one movie quote, one side glance and we know to what we're referring.  It's a silent bond that says, yea, I get you.
2. Not doing everything together.  Yes, date nights are good but so are girls night out and boys day on the mountain bikes.  Our own space, hobbies, TV shows are good thing.
3. Texting.  Yes I said texting.  We can discuss, argue, disagree, and kiss and make up with a thumb stroke.  No, nothing beats face to face communication, but in our busy, busy lives, when we are not always together, it keeps us connected.
4. Kissing and making up.  Yes we argue and fight sometimes.  We may even not talk for a day or so. It's how we roll.  But we always, always come back together.  We kiss.  We say sorry. We make-up.
5. Physical attraction.  What can I say?  My hubby still floats my boat.  We have both worked hard at staying attractive to each other. And me, with the slower metabolism, has had to work even harder. We both have grey hairs and wrinkles popping out.  But we're aging gracefully together. We still love holding hands, cuddling and making out.
6.  Unconditional support.  We support each others aspirations and hobbies.  I can start a half dozen different stay-at-home business and let them crash and burn with my husband's blessing.  I in turn have let him pursue his dreams.  "What every makes you happy dear,", is our mantra.
7. Values.  Our values are the same.  We never have to discuss or decide what we are going to believe, how we are going to worship or what values and beliefs to teach the kids.
6. Temple covenants.  There are three of us in this relationship.  Me, my hubby, and our covenants with God. We do not take them lightly and when we feel the strain and weight of life, it is our covenants made in the temple and the promise of an eternal family that keep us from imploding.

When the hubby and I go to a wedding reception we grin at the fresh love of the bride and groom and wonder if they know what they're  getting into.  No, no they don't.  And that is probably a good thing.

Fertile Mertile

I love my boys. I really do. I love their curiosity for all things nerdy and their love of competition. I love their pre-pubescent awkward stage and their discovery of the opposite sex beyond their mom and sisters. I love when their voices change and they sound like they have a cold for 6 months.  Then there are the foot pain inducing legos strewn about the house, the loud shooting games, Nerf bullets in every nook and cranny and the total deafness that overcomes them when they are staring at an electronic device. I haven't even mentioned the smells and the intentional in your face farting.  I have fought against and embraced it all.  I did try to have more girls.  I really did.

We had four kids.  Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy.  We were rockstars at the whole making babies thing, and the different genders thing, and we decided to push our luck.  I wanted another girl because I was selfish and arrogant and knew I could do it.  My husband was in his medical residency, we were far from family and in the eyes of the world, our four kids were more than enough.  But we have never cared what the world or anyone else thought about desire for a big family.  It was between us and God.

I was delighted to find myself pregnant with number 5 and was excited for our Y2K baby.  But, alas, there was no baby.  After an ultrasound revealed a blighted ovum (the embryo never really formed), and one outpatient surgery, I was not pregnant.  I was okay.  Really I was. I had never had a miscarriage and it was my turn.  Now I could count myself with the thousands of women this has happened to. I chalked it up to statistics and moved on. And in true fertile fashion, I was pregnant again in no time.

This was it.  The 5th baby was finally on it's way.  After a few weeks an ultrasound revealed little arms and legs and toes.  We told the kids and excitement abounded.  But, alas, there was no baby. Again.  At 13 weeks, there was no heartbeat.  Surgery, complications, another surgery, and I was no longer pregnant. I was not okay.  I was devastated.  I knew I could grow babies. Why had my body turned against me?  Was God telling me 4 was enough? What I learned was a lot of humility.  I learned empathy for other women that went through this multiple times and I no longer took my fertility for granted.  Though at times I felt I had no right to feel bad because I already had 4 beautiful kids and I was being greedy.  Then my doctor told me something I wish he never had.  The last baby was a girl.  The one with little arms and legs was a girl.  Really?  Thanks.

After a few months of healing and physically and emotionally, it was out of sheer determination I was going to have another kid.  Obviously, I was supposed to have another girl. And I finally did have baby number 5.  And baby number 6 (surprise!), and they both had boy parts. Where did SHE go?  Where did the baby girl with little arms and legs go?  I don't know.  I will always wonder if I will meet her someday or she is with another family that had 6 tyrant boys and jumped for joy at her arrival.

I was a bit disappointed at first when the boy parts of the last two babies were revealed.  And the faces of my family looked like I had let them down immensely. But of course we loved our boy bundles whole heartedly from their first breath.   These babies, every one, is a gift.  A loud, messy, ungrateful gift.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World says,

"ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.The Proclamation to Family says, "

My boys and my girls have a divine destiny and eternal identity.  No pressure on my part. None. At.  All.  I just have to raise them and nurture them and help them realize their purpose in this life.
So glad I have some heavenly help.  That little baby girl would be 16 now and in full on teen girl mode.  In my fragile, 49 yr old parenting state, maybe God was wiser than me after all.

I Proclaim

When I first started dating my husband, while we were both still in college, I  learned some of the things he was expecting from his future wife.  It wasn't anything weird or satanic.  He thought that his wife would work.  Shocking I know.  He just assumed that's what all women wanted to do and that's the way it would be.  He had dated girls previously that said they wanted to work and weren't overly supportive of him going on to professional school.  I however always knew I wanted to be at home wanted to be a "homemaker" and be at home with my little preciousnesses.  And as far his schooling was concerned, I was young and dumb and falling hard and yes, of course, go to school for 1 million years and yes, I am content to live on student loans and love.  And that's what we did.

We were married for 13 years before he was done with his education.  We had 3 kids when he started medical school, 4 kids when he finished and, we had 1 while he was in his residency.  We boasted the highest amount of student loans of any of his classmates.  Go us. Then to top off our squad, we had a surprise bundle of joy after we settled into our first job.  Our path was not easy and not for the faint of heart.

We had decided early on that we wanted a big family, mostly because I loved babies, and forgot that they turned into teenagers and money sucking adults.  But that's another story.  I have loved, nurtured, cuddled, scolded and hugged the heck out of my kids.  With a hard working husband in  a demanding job, I have often done the parenting thing alone.  We have solved many a problem through texting, emails and urgent phone calls. I have often cried myself to sleep, wondering how I would do it all again tomorrow.

I did do it.  And still do it. But I am not alone.   I  knew and still do,  it is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do and is in this with me.  In Sept. of 1995, Pres. Gordon B. Hinkley read "The Family: A Proclamation to the World."  ,  to a congregation of women.  I was a young mom with a 2 yr old and a new born baby.  I was too tired to understand the significance of this document at the time.  But as I have grown in wisdom and motherly maturity, I can see how these words, if taken as truth by world, would create eternal families that love God.

 "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. "

And that's why I do it.  That's why I clean, cook (sometimes), punish, love, cry, console, worry and pray.  These souls were given to me to nourish and give the evil eye to when needed.  I have at times resented this "calling" of mine to multiply and replenish.  I have not loved every second of it and kicked against it. But in those moments, when a kid makes a righteous  decision, I feel my chest will explode and thank my Heavenly Father for the difficult and delightful opportunity to be a mom. 

My minions about 10 yrs ago when they were still manageable.